On Finding "The One"

Few ideas are as powerful, or as potentially disappointing, as the belief in "the one."

From fairy tales and Disney movies to romantic comedies and popular songs, we are surrounded by the same story. Long before we enter our first romantic relationship, many of us have already absorbed the idea that somewhere out there exists a person uniquely destined for us. And once we find them, we will know.

If there is a "one," then we do not have to make difficult choices. We do not have to tolerate ambiguity. We do not have to wonder whether we are compatible or committed enough. We simply have to find the right person.

And once they arrive, everything will fall into place.

This fantasy provides relief from uncertainty. But it is that. A fantasy. Real relationships rarely unfold this way.

Some people view relationships as matters of destiny. Others see them as something that is built over time. Neither position is right or wrong, I think it is probably somewhere in the middle between natural compatibility and effort.

Yet there is a question I am more interested in today: What does the belief in "the one" do to our relationships?

Too often, it leads us to evaluate them against an imagined standard. We compare a real person to a fantasy. And the fantasy always has an advantage.

Real people disappoint us. They have habits we dislike. They misunderstand us. They fail to meet every need. They have bad days, insecurities, contradictions, and limitations. They are separate human beings with desires and inner worlds of their own.

Fantasy has no such constraints.

Fantasy never leaves dishes in the sink. Fantasy never says the wrong thing. Fantasy always understands us perfectly. In fact, fantasy is us.

It is literally created from our own wishes. It cannot challenge us because it belongs entirely to us.

The danger is that we begin relating not to the person in front of us, but to an idealized figure who exists only in the imagination.

So instead of asking, "Are they the one?", we might find it more useful to ask: Does this relationship expand my life or narrow it? Do I feel loved and respected? Does my partner put in effort to understand me? Do I feel more like myself when I'm with them? Can we repair after conflict? Does this relationship expand my life or narrow it? And so on.